Recently, I was interacting with someone whom I would describe as Negative Ned. As we continued our dialogue, I realized I was becoming Negative Joey as he was triggering me with his negativity. I had to pause, take a deep breath, and focus on my next reaction and response so I could present myself in a better frame of mind. When you run into difficult people, do you find yourself being triggered or imitating their behavior?
Whether it’s Negative Ned, Bully Bob, Ego Eva, Crybaby Carl, Passive-Aggressive Paul (really tough for me to deal with), People Pleaser Patty or No Commitment Nina, difficult people can take us off course quickly.
What do you do when you are confronted with these difficult behaviors or conversations?
One strategy that works wonders is to pause and breathe before responding. Sounds simple, right? But trust me, just like my situation with Negative Ned, I was in the ditch before I remembered to pause and breathe. It can even be harder if you have Bully Bob venting in your ears.
Another great response is to ask questions and then listen intently to understand what is behind the behaviors. When Passive-Aggressive Paul is giving you a sideeye with a sly remark, don’t let it sit unaddressed. Ask him to help you understand that comment.
The biggest mistake I make when I am confronted by what I see as a difficult personality is to ignore it and hope that it resolves itself. It never does and the situation usually gets worse.
Another trick is to set boundaries, politely but firmly. If Negative Ned starts his usual doom-and-gloom, redirect the conversation. Boundaries are about protecting your energy, not about trying to change someone else’s behavior. Because, spoiler alert — changing other people is about as easy as teaching Crybaby Carl to communicate without a tantrum.
Candor on how a certain behavior is affecting you or the team can be very beneficial for someone, as they usually do not perceive themselves as being difficult. This takes our highest level of emotional intelligence to align with the purpose of helping them as well as navigating a difficult situation.
Finally, sharpening your empathy skills can go a long way. Sometimes difficult behaviors stem from personal struggles that aren’t obvious on the surface. While that doesn’t mean you have to endure Ego Eva’s monologues about always being right, taking a moment to understand what might be driving her behavior can help you respond with compassion instead of letting annoyance take over.
With all of these strategies comes the mirror test. How am I contributing to this conflict, miscommunication, or energy-draining relationship? Too often, I have found my footprints in the mud, too.
At the end of the day, dealing with difficult people is part of life. But with the right mindset and strategies, you can stay calm, preserve your sanity, and, who knows, maybe even inspire someone to #beBetter.
“If you were to anticipate how strong a company’s culture needs to be to transform and thrive in the future, Joey Havens paints a beautiful horizon in his book Leading with Significance.” Daniel Burrus
Grab your copy of Leading with Significance to find more magnetic insights to help you on your unique journey.
For more information on my presentations or to access my beBetter blog library go to joeyhavens.com.
