“Porter, have you been eating a chocolate doughnut this morning?”
“No.”
“Yes, you have!”
“Nope!”
“You have chocolate all over your face.”
“Nope.”
“Yes, you do—see right here.”
I wiped my finger across Porter’s cute little face and showed him the chocolate.
He burst out laughing. Pure innocence. That early morning moment with my three-year-old grandson, however, did more than amuse me—it reminded me of a truth we see far too often in leadership, at work, and even at home: We say one thing, but our actions reveal something else.
Living in the Fishbowl
One of the realities of leadership and of our personal footprint is this: We live in a fishbowl. Everyone is watching what we do, not just what you say. Seeing is believing, and people tend to believe what they see.
We see this in organizations today. Leaders often believe they are communicating the right message: they talk about values, being people-first, and a sense of belonging. They promote a “good” culture, yet something just doesn’t add up.
A decision contradicts the values. Toxic behaviors go unaddressed, and difficult conversations are avoided. The “Good” culture continues to erode as team members see and experience anything other than consistent actions. Trust either evaporates or fails to gain traction because people believe what they experience and observe, not what a leader says.
Three Leadership Lessons from a Chocolate Doughnut
1. Actions always speak louder than intentions
Most leaders I know genuinely have good intentions. Our problem is that intentions don’t build culture. Our behaviors do, our conversations do. The culture of an organization is shaped by what leaders consistently do, not what they occasionally say. Everyone can see the chocolate, and it always shows up even if the leader is blind to it.
2. Inconsistency creates a trust gap
One of the fastest ways to lose influence as a leader is to be inconsistent. People don’t expect perfection, but they expect overall alignment. When our actions match our words, credibility grows. When actions fail to align with our words, people begin to question everything else. Trust doesn’t erode all at once, but the gap widens with each inconstant decision and action.
3. Transparency restores trust
Everyone gets chocolate on their face, especially me. Leaders are at high risk of running around with chocolate in plain view. The key isn’t pretending it isn’t there. The key is being transparent enough to acknowledge it. Owning our mistakes and seeking feedback on our behaviors actually builds trust. Transparency doesn’t weaken your influence or leadership; it actually strengthens it.
The Rest of the Story
Later that same day, I heard a familiar voice from across the house.
“Joey… have you been in the ice cream again?”
“No.”
“Yes, you have.”
“No… why are you saying that?
CeCe calmly replied,
“I see the two ice cream cups at the bottom of the garbage can.”
Oh.
Well… Apparently, chocolate runs in the family.
A Final Thought
Porter’s chocolate doughnut was innocent. Our “chocolate” usually isn’t.
So here’s the question I’m asking myself today: What chocolate might be dragging down my influence? Because the leaders people trust most aren’t the ones who pretend they’re perfect. They’re the ones willing to look in the mirror… wipe their face… and keep learning.
Let’s keep growing. And always remember to #beBetter.
“If you were to anticipate how strong a company’s culture needs to be to transform and thrive in the future, Joey Havens paints a beautiful horizon in his book Leading with Significance.” Daniel Burrus
Grab your copy of Leading with Significance to find more magnetic insights to help you on your unique journey.
For more information on my presentations or to access my beBetter blog library go to joeyhavens.com.
